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Greeneyed6541
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Name: Stephanie
Country: United States
State: North Dakota
Metro: Fargo
Birthday: 12/19/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: I like to sing, read, listen to music, chat, talk on the phone, meet people, be bored, inform the rest of the world of that, be cold, dream about leaving this state, thinking about the future... and so on.
Expertise: School... I'm pretty good at all subjects, and if I'm not yet, I can learn fairly quickly.
Music... I have a round about knowledge of most genres of music.
Money... I've worked the cashier at the local Farmer's Market since I knew how to punch into a calculator and now I work pretty much full time [which means Profits are mine!! wooo hooo! -- you have NO IDEA how much people love fresh produce... hey... good fundraiser idea... a bit long term though]
Occupation: Student
Industry: Computers (Internet)
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Greeneyed6541
MSN: Greeneyed6541@msn.com
AIM:  SapphireNights9
Yahoo:  Greeneye6541@yahoo.com
AIM:  DroppedPenny090
Member Since:
1/10/2005
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| So I'm noticing a theme here... LJ gets all the sane posts of daily going ons and other little dramas that affect my school life... and in essence, it is my most public blog. Blogger is my hideout.. where I just get things out in the open, dare myself to press the 'enter' button and be done with it, recognize that it exists and that it is a part of me, whether or not I want to tell anyone else or not... hence why I'm sure no one has links to any of the four that I have created [one is a miscellaneous one that I do random scribbles in]... and this one just picks up the scraps.
Well.. this one is likely to be a bit of a series, it's not a deep dark secret.. but it's not something I want leaking into every corner of my life... I want to deal with it, but only in a remote way.
A little over a year ago... I finally ended a relationship that had been kinda dieing... and by dieing, I mean that it was long distance and I was moving on and I couldn't break it to him... but it was broken to him. But I'm jumping to the end of the story without beginning it. Jason happened about three, maybe even four years ago... I was crazy... even at the time, I realized it. I did things that I could not begin to imagine why I would do... it just... felt right. But naturally, things got crazier as time wore on... but a good crazy, at least it was when you ignored the whole long distance. At one point, I laid it all out... I just let go of myself and whatever I felt, I let it be translated from my brain and out my fingers... didn't check anything... I just let it go. It turned out to be one of my most open moments of my life.. I read it today and I can feel everything that I felt then. Just a small time capsule of feeling and emotion. Everything that made me up there is embodied in that letter.
Fast forward to when we broke up... "no steph no hate mail just a note that you sent that so happens to be a
note I looked at all the time but will not be looking at anymore" was all he included at the top before pasting the letter below it... I'm sure I do not have to describe what it feels like to be so solidly rejected, and know that you deserve it... but still can't help but feel the rage and helplessness of it all.
That brings me to today.
Having made a new friend from the region that Jason is from... I was forced, more or less, to remember him. From remembering, I went to missing, to just hurt that I had ruined something so wonderful and wanted nothing more than to just at least be able to look upon that which I lost... I knew I could never have it back, but I just wanted it's essence back into my life. I spent two weeks hunting for some sort of channel of contact. Two weeks isn't very long, especially when you compare how long it'd take to hunt down my half sister, family. But it is an ungodly amount of time for me... I'm used to reaching out my hand and instantly grabbing that which I need. And he wasn't there. Anywhere. Not blocked, deleted. I didn't even have block lists to pull him up from. Address books, cleared. Everything, except two things... Bolt and my cobwebbed AOL address book that adds addresses that send mailer daemons back. What I got from Aol was his old AIM address and his hotmail account. To cut a story that promises to go on for a bit more longer than I'm sure anyone would want to read, much less a future me, his hotmail only appeared on a new MSN account.
We're talking now... quite a bit. Compared to how we were, though, I think we're sitting at about 45% openness... he is simply not talking, and I keep using stupid metaphors because I can't seem to word my thoughts... they are entirely too vague. The only way I'm capable of coming close to describing them is trying to recreate the feelings in him by using metaphors... either that or Lucy's been a bad influence.
-_- now he's humoring my stupid ideas about a mute button on a browser... he just says "yeah" at moments like that... never adds, never challenges, never really says anything... just "yeah". I think a night ago, he was actually conversing with me... sending a billion mixed signals... Thus the new challenge has arisen.
We talk. I should be happy. But there are just two sides to this... when he doesn't talk, I want more.. but sometimes, when he does talk, I wish he'd just stop. When we were talking a night ago, I felt pangs of jealousy and regret... didn't help that he kept hinting that he still has something quite undifferent than before for me, though it can't be true... it just can't. I don't care if it's the truth or not, I can't do that anymore. Long distance... it's not enough for me, and I can't do it. But... when he doesn't talk... isn't that how I want him to talk to me? Almost like a coin flipping through the air.. always showing me one side, but not necessarily the side I want to see.
Jun 20 2004 12:52AM
Teh greeneyed one oh by the waY Did I mention I LOVE YOU!
The light at the end of a storm.. everything can and will be alright.. the sun will rise again for another day, whether I will it or not, whether I am here to witness it or not... the world will continue forward, for better or for worse. I can only take my hopes and dreams forward with me and believe that they will carry me through the future storms.
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| records :
I say a lot of things. But how much of it does anyone listen to? just
enough to keep the world turning and the sun rising. So who cares what
I've said.
Go on, rub paint on the wound.
You won't see it, but it'll always be there.
But that's all it takes... out of sight, out of mind.
It's scary to think of me as hurt and broken, isn't it.
I'm hurt, can you see it?
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| ha ha.. so. New layout. 'bout time eh? wooo 
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| Why am I so quick to feel ashamed of myself?
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| Well.. it's 2007 now. Hawaii'll even be with us in about a quarter of an hour.
To kinda wrap up 2006.. All I can really say is that it's been a good year. Had.. well.. so cliché, but true.. lots of ups and downs. And I know I'm better for it all. Had my first work experience.. learned how to put what's best in front of what I want.. doesn' mean it's any easier yet. We still fight a bit.. I guess it's because we don' quite understand each other yet.. but.. time will do something about it.. if not, it'll help something along to fix it.
I learned how to accept what's in my heart.. to accept that just some people won't leave your mind... no matter how desperately you wish they just would.
And really... for now, that's all I can think to pull from 2006 that's important to me.
Here's to hoping that 2007 will teach me how to be a duck. Teach me how to float on top of everything, let all things just roll right off my back and learn to feel beautiful.. despite having a huge beak. ^_^ Here's to the year of the Duck.
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